Life Event

[Lopaka KaMars]

Hard to read about all you're going through. Please stay strong my Brother.

 

[Medusa50]

Having not written about my experiences in a while I felt compelled to put a few thoughts on paper. It has always helped to focus my efforts and it is a way to look back and reflect on where I came from.

People often ask, How are you doing? It’s a loaded question. I find myself hesitant to tell them as many people can’t handle the harsh truth and although they mean well the answer often leaves them feeling deflated. Everyone wants to hear good news.

There have been times in my life when I encountered folks who always had a story. What went wrong, something tragic, an illness or some other cloud they were under. I used to think a few people were magnets for disaster and negativity. I find myself wondering if perhaps a few of them simply had a lot on their minds.

Since finishing radiation I’ve never felt good. I began to feel a lot of pain in my joints. Whether it’s arthritic or not I can’t say. I did some research and as with any self diagnosis I could be wrong but much of it leads me to believe I have rheumatoid arthritis. There hasn’t been a day that’s gone by I haven’t woken up with pain in every major joint.

Next time I see the medical professionals is early May so these and other questions will be at the forefront. They say chemo ages you and I have to admit I feel and move like I’m much older now. All of it came very suddenly and it’s been a shock to me.

I was very active my entire life. No, I wasn’t climbing Everest or running marathons but if something needed to get done I was all in. I’ve had some routine maintenance on the cars and mower recently which have shown me that I’m not the person I was 18 months ago and it scares me.

My wife came home roughly 3 weeks ago and as I sat on the couch watching episodes of COPS she asked what the differences were between several Challenger models. She showed me a picture and I knew at that moment she wanted one. Within minutes I had several to show her and by the following morning I asked her if she wanted to go look.

Something to understand about my wife is she never asks for anything. Her pocket book cost $20 and it’s more than 10-15 years old. My whole life I’ve struggled because if I ask her if she wants something her response is usually That’s nice! She wanted the car and I could feel it.

Less than 24 hours later I bought it for her. While it was a joyful moment it was difficult for me at the same time. She got behind the wheel and cried as she drove it off the lot. She wasn’t the only one who had tears.

As I drove home in the old car she’d had for 23 years I couldn’t help but think how someday I’d be gone. She will remember how happy she was with the car when we were still together only to be replaced by the sadness of being alone. The thought of leaving her is tearing me apart every day.

I’m not sure what’s happening to me. I’m starting to become obsessed with thoughts of dying and the fear of what that will look like grips me. I’m getting in my head now and it’s not a good place to be. We are planning a road trip soon and I’m hoping I will snap out of it.

I can’t provide any positive outlook or silver lining other than this. Despite not feeling well myself each day my motivation to endure is my wife. I have to tell myself as much as it hurts nothing would hurt more than knowing I gave up and left her alone. For that reason I need to persevere.

Love you sweetheart. Always. You are my EVERYTHING!

 

[Codechimp08]

That color . Thank you for taking the time to share brother. I can't imagine the difficulty of being face to face with your own mortality. Find inspiration and strength wherever you can and keep up the fight. We are always here to listen.
F$#k Cancer !!

 

[The Proprietary Molecule]

Fight like hell brother one day at a time.

 

[Resident Alien]

I just read start to finish. You have had one tough year, I am sorry to read all of this and to see you are in so much pain. You are right on a lot of points here. Focusing on what is important to you is key. Sorry for the loss of your mother, I feel that will be tougher for me than my dad’s passing, I hope don’t to find out for a long while.

I just had a blood test with PSA (1.30) for a baseline, I appreciate your insights on why this is important. As mentioned earlier colonoscopies are important too. At the procedure is fine, you are asleep, who cares. The prep is unpleasant at best, but just one 1/2 day.

My thoughts are with you on improving and moving forward.

That Challenger is awesome you both deserve a win!

 

[Atticus]

Prayers sent