Joke Thread

[Timhyde74]

 

[XxuversxX]

 

[Lopaka KaMars]

 

[Timhyde74]

There was a little old lady who was very spiritual,

who would step out on her porch every day,

raise her arms to the sky and yell “Praise the Lord!”

One day, an atheist bought the house next door to her, and he became very irritated with the spiritual lady.

So after a month or so of her yelling “Praise the Lord” from her porch,

the neighbor went outside on his porch and yelled back, “There is no Lord!”

Yet, the little old lady continued.

One cold, wintery day, when the little old lady couldn’t get to the store due to snow fall,

she went out on her porch, raised her hands up to the sky and said,

“Help me Lord, I have no more money, it’s cold, and I have no more food.”

The next morning, she went outside,

and there were three bags of food on the porch, enough to last her a week.

“Praise the Lord! ” she yelled.

The atheist stepped out from the bushes and said,

“Ha ha! There is no Lord, I bought those groceries for you!”

The little old lady raised her arms to the sky and yelled,

“Praise the Lord, you sent me groceries and you made the Devil pay for them!”

 

[Timhyde74]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,

“Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast.

Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!”

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unnoticed.

The next morning the husband took a pair of his underwear out of his drawer.

“What the heck is this??”

he said to himself as a little “dust” cloud appeared when he shook them out.

“Maria!,” he hollered into the bathroom,

“Why did you put baby powder in my underwear?”

She replied with a giggle…...

“It’s not baby powder…… It’s ‘Miracle Grow’!”

 

[Timhyde74]

Ultimate Weight Loss Program

Weight Loss Program. A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, “If you can catch me, you can have me.”

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, “If you catch me you can have me”.

Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

“Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,” he replies, “I haven’t felt this good in years.”

The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”

He lost 33 lbs that week.

 

[dragonvoi]

guys in the bathroom…

another guy opens the door while standing outside and says;

“so, this is where the dicks hang out!”

guy inside replies, “why yessir! wanna cross the border?”

guy at the door; “huh?”

guy inside; “cuz out there u’r ‘murican, and in here, u’r pee’n!”

 

[Lopaka KaMars]

 

[XxuversxX]

 

[Timhyde74]